Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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HOLY EMAIL

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.
The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going..

Do you know what the e-mail said?





















Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Glen, it' says I should of made like you,(renu)but I goofed.
he also said you were suppose to give me your car !!

Hmmm.. I keep that in mind.

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked him,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

He was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, Tony.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's dad wants to talk to you.'

Differences Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.


One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or stupid shit head anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's that?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the wall light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

Little Melissa attends third grade.

After school she tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Christian Girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. "And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Soldiers can shoot the Son of a B*tch."

Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find
their professor after the final and explain to him why
they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the
weekend with the plan to come back and study but,
unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back,
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could
make up the final the following day. The guys were
elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the
time the professor had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,
and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was
something simple about free radical formation. "Cool,"
they thought at the same time, each one in his
separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On
the second page was written:

Which Tire?

A Blonde is watching the
news with her husband when the
newscaster says "Two Brazilian men
die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her
husband, sobbing "That's
horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were
skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"How many is a Brazilian?"

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Vancouver immigration office.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in Canada with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

PING !

he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder.'I need a big house with a three-car garage in North Vancouver on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.'

PING !

In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. '

'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an Canadian with Canadian clothes instead of these tore cloths, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Canadians.'

PING !


The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Canucks T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?' The fairy said 'Tough shit, Mac, Now that you are a White Canadian you have to fend for yourself.'


And she disappeared!

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on
top of their car which said: 'Two Prostitutes --$50.00.'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you
don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled . .
'Their sign pertains to religion.'

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their
sign down and drove off..

The following day found the same police officer in the
area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with
a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with
them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels seeking Peter -- $50.

For all us ex-"cargo plane jockeys"

Why we love children:

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm

summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us

stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling

from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back

seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his

teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The

opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the

jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her

4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. The girl answered

with 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself

in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the

room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and

running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and

then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an

elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about

6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,

'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and

continued writing the report.. 'My mother said if I ever

needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' she

inquired. 'Yes, that's right' I told her..

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot

toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van

in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9

partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring

in at me . 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he

asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy

looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally

he said, 'What did he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers

lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old

daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly

intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly

the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her

staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I

braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she

merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never

believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a

party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,

'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.''And why not, darling?' he asked. She

replied, 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his

church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that

nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son

and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that

proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small

box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for

the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was

chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous

dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father

always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the

Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to

her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was

fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,

something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and

looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been

pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I

found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got

there, dear?' she asked. With astonishment in the young

boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO

BED AND FORGET IT.

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

That`s good!!