Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

1.Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2.When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3.A penny saved is a government oversight.

4.The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

5.The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement ...

6.He who hesitates is probably right.

7.Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

8.If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

9.If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to
blame.

10.The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.

11.There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt

12.Did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS'
together it spells 'Theirs.'

13.Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

14.The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

15.Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.

16.When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra..

17.You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

18.Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

19.First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then , you forget
to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Anytown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, and so on.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now, this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey! Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree.. You can blame
this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three
hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and
trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote.
The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed
his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!"
"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"

"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house
he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled
12 gauge shotgun through the window of the coop."

"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound
dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose
on Daddy's butt!"

"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8,1947, a little over 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New
Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been
covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and
organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for
you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty It was; but useless in a fight.'

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's my husband?'

'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'

'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'

'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'

'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church , enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

Tax Audit


The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS."

"To the IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to the IRS...And about once a year, they send us a little pr**k like you."

!!!LETTERMAN IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR!
>
>>
>
>> Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman does get
>
>> some 'flak' from the NAACP. Al Sharpton and the
>
>> Rev Jackson will go nuts !!!
>
>>
>
>> David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black
>
>> NASCAR drivers:
>
>>
>
>> # 10 Have to sit upright while driving.
>
>>
>
>> # 9 Pistol won't stay under front seat.
>
>>
>
>> #
>
> 8 Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
>
>>
>
>> # 7 Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants
>
>> at the same time.
>
>>
>
>> # 6 They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
>
>>
>
>> # 5 Police cars on track interfere with race.
>
>>
>
>> # 4 No passenger seat for the Ho.
>
>>
>
>> # 3 No Cadillacs approved for competition..
>
>>
>
>> # 2 When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
>
>>
>
>> AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN
>
>> NASCAR....... ........
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>
>
>> # 1 They Can't wear their helmets sideways.
>
>>
>
>
>
>

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'


Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'


Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Walking 30 minutes a day can add to your life which enables you to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 70. Now he's 90 years old and we have no idea where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year, spent about $500. Haven't lost a pound... Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads... that’s my story and I'm sticking to it

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

`im in pretty good shape for the shape i`m in .. the state tropper who scared me straight the other nite asked me what kind of shape i was in ? i replied " i`m in great shape !!! want to get out and jog a mile or two ? he said No!! .. i mean how much have you had to drink .. but anywho .. the story is me and my grand dad used to hunt turkeys out on the back forty of his place ,, he was 93 .. we would run the turkeys up and down the hills till they gave out and wed` catch them ..his dad was 113 and could`nt be with us because he had to go to a wedding and get married .. why would a 113 year old man want to get married you ask ?? well i never said he " wanted to "'