Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.


A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.


Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly Check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'


'One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

Why Southerns Vote Republican.........


Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North..

I thought everyone needed a laugh today!


I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

******************

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

**************

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

*****************


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

****************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

********************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

*********************

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

***********************

^^^good one^^^


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a
homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service
was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
backcountry.

As I was not familiar with the rural roads, I got lost; and
being a typical man I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral director
had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were
eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being
late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and
the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. Embarrassed about being late, and feeling sad for
this poor man with no family and friends, I put my heart and
soul into the music. Overcome with emotion, I played like
I've never played before for this forgotten homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I
packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers
say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothing like that
before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for years."

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to

the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers,

who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So,

I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and

smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his

nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!!

Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago'

New survey

gotta laugh,but how true...

Resto - they forgot the Korean and Chinese

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must
be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and
asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the
three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or
less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then
do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he
drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained
to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling,
screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from
bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

I wanted to get a personalized plate for my coupe. It was so expensive I just changed my name to 1az 614

Harry’s wife was giving her annual exhortation on the Lenten regulations. Harry looked up from his newspaper and subtly inquired, What about all the people who are in Hell because they ate meat on Friday?” His wife replied, “Well when you get there you’ll find out!”

Richard

Harry says: "Get even with your Kids Live long enough to be a problem for them!"

Richard

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT: the little girl who said, "If George Washington was such an honest man, why do they close all the banks on his birthday?"

Richard