Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

several years ago a plane full of pepsi and some salesmen crashed in the remote jungles of the amazon .. it took weeks to get to the wreckage .. but to no avail .. all there was left was a pile of bones .. the rescue crew asked some local natives what became of the passengers .. the natives replied .. "" we ate em "" .. in a bit of shock the rescuers asked . every bit of them ...? even their " things " ? .... .. noooooo said the natives ... " things go better with coke .. on another note .. i knew there was a reason i dont care for coke ...

Dennys new breakfast combo

Dennys is now offering a new breakfast combo called the octomom breakfast.

It includes 8 eggs, no sausage, and the person sitting next to you gets to pay for it.

Daddy's car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Don used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

TEXAS
BLONDES
Three Blondes were all applying
for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three
of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect..
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features
and oddities such as scars and so forth.'

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds.
Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about
this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only
one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!'

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a
profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see
one ear!! You're excused too!'
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last
blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but...
'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds
and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything
distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture
and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and
said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears
contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking
at his picture?'

Are you ready for this????




The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear,
he certainly can't wear glasses.'

A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in
another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are
way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'

Trucker's Breakfast...


A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'


The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'



'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires ... mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights.. is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards.... are 2 slices of crisp bacon !



'Oh,... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.



The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'



I LOVE THIS ONE.......... .






'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!





FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

Another Blonde Joke

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."


The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

Two guys, (Bill and Bob) are driving along and there just minding their own drinking a few buds. Bill driving seen some flashing lights and says to Bob, "Hey, ain't that some cops up under way, with the road blocked?" Bob says "Yep, Well what are we gonna do with are beer?" Bill then said, "Well just drink the rest of what we got and take the labels off and stick it to our forehead and throw the bottles in the ditch"...So they did, they drank the last two then took the labels off and threw the bottles in the ditch, then stuck the labels on their forehead. Bill and Bob pulled up to the cops and Ronny the cop shined a flashlight in the pickup and asked them "You boys been drinking tonight?" And without a beat missed Bill replied "Nope, we're on the patch!"

Be careful what you ask for

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, an d shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

' God Bless America '

>> 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
>> Shithead's.
>>
>> 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0
>> in college was my blood alcohol content.
>>
>> 3. I live in my own little world
>> but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
>>
>> 4. I saw a rather large woman
>> wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
>> said," Thyroid problem?"
>>
>> 5. I don't do drugs 'cause
>> I find I get the same effect just by standing up really
>> fast.
>>
>> 6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:
>> "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
>>
>> 7. Money can't buy happiness
>> but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>>
>> 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I
>> really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
>>
>> 9. If flying is so safe, why do
>> they call the airport the "terminal"?
>>
>> 10. I don't approve of
>> political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
>>
>> 11. The most precious thing we have
>> is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
>>
>> 12. If life deals you lemons, make
>> lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
>>
>> 13. I love being married. It's
>> so great to find that one special person you want to annoy
>> for the rest of your life.
>>
>> 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes
>> for a buck at bowling alleys.
>>
>> 15. I am a nobody, nobody is
>> perfect, so therefore I am perfect.
>>
>> 16. Everyday I beat my own previous
>> record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
>>
>> 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a
>> genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world
>> peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
>>
>> 18. No one ever says "It's
>> only a game!" when their team is winning.
>>
>> 19. How long a minute is, depends
>> on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
>>
>> 20. Isn't having a smoking
>> section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a
>> swimming pool?
>>
>> 21. Marriage changes
>> passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
>>
>> 22. Why is it that most nudists are
>> people you don't want to see naked?
>>
>> 23. Snowmen fall from Heaven
>> unassembled.
>>
>> 24. Every time I walk into a
>> singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick
>> that up, you don't know where it's been.
>
>
>
>

You can tell these anywhere - without regard to age or company!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was cre ated out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

Regards All,
Glenn

A guy is out with buddies - has a few drinks - is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.

He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "But I don't have a headache!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

A mother took her five-year-old son with her
to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
'Gee, she's fat!'
The mother bent down and whispered in
the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
his hands as far as they would go and announced;

'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off,
and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a

Beep, beep, beep

The little boy yells out,



'Run for your life, she's backing up!!