Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A man went to Florida for his health, but unfortunately, died there.
His body was shipped back to New York, and as the widow was viewing the remains at the funeral parlor, a friend remarked, "Doesn't he look wonderful?" "Yes, replied the widow. "I think those two weeks in Florida did him a world of good."

Richard

What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk:

1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open the site

(http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face

Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of us who know seniors, and to all of us who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh.



r

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, sh*t, so that's why no one was at church today."

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really
are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and
she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde
women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...


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"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The
doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge
pile-up on the freeway.



"You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your
penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."



The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build
a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly
$1000 an inch."



The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide
how many inches you want. But this is something you should
discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a
nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine
incher before and you decide to only Invest in a five incher now,
she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays
a role in helping you make a decision."



The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.



The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with
your wife?"



"Yes I have," says the man.



"And has she helped you make a decision?"



"Yes" says the man.



"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite countertops."

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life .....remember ......

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have writtenan impressive new book. It's called ........'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drinkand be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope andyour boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
11. Definition of a teenager?God's punishment . . . For enjoying sex.



12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...

Be who you are and say what you feel!

Because those that matter... don't mind!

And those that mind...don't matter!

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top quotes in corporate America.

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )


"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
( Lykes Lines-Shipping)


"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)


"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)


"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)


"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)


Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)


My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. "That would be better for me," he said.
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

.

Eino, a Finlander from northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched......

There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye!"

.

Menopause Jewelry (from my wiffy!!!)


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.



Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Nascar News
Raleigh, NC

Jeff Gordon announced last week that he was firing his entire pit crew. This
announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of a government sponsored
TARP funded project designed to train and employ unemployed LA gang members. The
decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed
youth from LA were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment; whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with
millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent
and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the
pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice
session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6
seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, and within 24
seconds had altered the VIN number, and within 2 minutes had sold and delivered the
car to Dale Ernhart, Jr., for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of
Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY ‚

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, single malt scotch, and martinis into urine.


Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."