Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I didn't see that one coming.....

Fitzwilly, you ain't right!!!...CR

An Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning-briefing to all
of his staff. While waiting for the coffee-machine to finish its
brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He
explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and
therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was
'work', and how much of it was pure 'pleasure'?

A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favor of 'work'.

A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.

A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favor of 'pleasure',
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the private who
was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion ?

Without any hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure, Sir."

The N..C.O. was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said "And
why is that, soldier" ?

"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them, Sir".

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FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
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SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
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THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
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FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
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FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
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SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'
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Must see remakes of some of the great classics!

Oh lighten up-- Current events are a joke!!

I laughed so hard tears were running down my cheeks, wait a minute, I think they're real tears.

.....and speaking of current events - here is a high level jokster:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQeNikp1Rj8

Bill is in Haiti,let the fun begin!

That's funny!..especially Dorothy!!!.CR

Originally Posted by glennsexton

Oh lighten up-- Current events are a joke!!

My point, to the point...

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON
THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly
payments of $860.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's
mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and, of course,
the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water for the ducks
to focus on, something for the decoys to float in.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can
produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of
dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while
trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along
with
the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the
GUNS, and the DOG...?

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained
Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed
and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just
as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at
the dog to stop.

The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused, and then continues on. Another shot,
and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator

The men continue to scream as they run.

The red-hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end; he
yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his
master.

Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! !

The truck is destroyed and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the
two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened"
looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to
make the first of those $860.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay . . .doing fine.

And you thought Rednecks only live in the South...

Wow!.. They're not rednecks, just STUPID! Glad the dog made out OK!..CR

In order to get the joke - you have to understand the Newfie language



Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week..

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

PSYCHOPATH TEST

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is just as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister..

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?[Give this some thought before you answer.........see answer below]

















Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you...


If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your crazy ass off my e-mail list!