Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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You do know that there are only three blonde jokes? All the rest are true stories!

One of the true ones.

This woman driver (blonde, of course) ran over a mattress and decided to keep going.
She drove 30 more miles with a 60 lb tangle wrapped around the drive shaft.
The woman complained that the vehicle had a "shimmy" when driving it high speeds.
This is what the dealership found..............

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

EFFECTIVE: January 1, 2009

NEW OFFICE POLICY
Recent changes in the taxes imposed by the current Administration make it necessary for us to evaluate the productivity of our Company. As such, we believe it in the best interest of all of our employees to impose the following:

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3) Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Bob and Carl were out golfing one day. Halfway through the back nine was an exceptionally challenging par 5 hole that was up hill with a dog leg to the left. The hole was not visible from the tee however both men, fairly good golfers, felt that they could hook a bit and come out in good position on the fairway.

Both shot and proceeded up the hill and to the left and were surprised to find a really rough area with various types of natural vegetation off the fairway. Bob was the weaker of the two and wondered off the left into a field of buttercups to look for his ball while Carl ventured on another 50 yards or so. After a few minutes, Bob feeling somewhat frustrated began to use his five iron much like a sickle to chop and mow through the buttercups, cursing as he went about the miserable the little yellow flowers being a real nuisance. At the height of his rage, he heard a “poof” and to his utter amazement, a rather plump fairy appeared not ten feet away.

“Who are you?” asked Bob. “I’m Mother Nature and I do not appreciate the manner in which you are treating my lovely buttercups!”

“Well they’re just a bunch of miserable weeds and I can’t locate my ball in this yellow mess!” shot back Bob.

Obviously upset, Mother Nature replied, “Well if that’s the way you feel about my precious butter cups, you shall never see or taste butter again! No butter for your morning toast, no butter for your corn on the cob or no butter for your popcorn!” and with that she waived her magic wand and disappeared.

A bit shaken, Bob calls out to Carl, “Where are you?” to which Carl replies, “Up here looking for my ball in these good-for-nothing pussy willows!”

• I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
• You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
• I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
• I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
• I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
• I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
• When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
• Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do....write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
• As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
• Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life' Because :::' Life is a journey to be savored. You never know what is ahead for you.

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents

The New "Government Motors", formerly known as "General Motors" has just released this sneak preview of their new flagship to be released in the fall of 2009. Known simply as the "Obama", orders are reported to be brisk among the remaining GM dealers in Hollywood and San Francisco. Cost is the blood, sweat and tears of millions of Americans who used to make some of the finest cars in the world - but his baby gets 2 zillion miles per gallon and is so eco-friendly it runs on pure flatulence..

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife.

The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs."

Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."

The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it.

Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

"That's fantastic," said the customer.

"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing. Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"

When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."

He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."

He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night.

The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam.'

I don't care where you from - that's funny!

Ear infection


This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my d*ck', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? '

'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter..

Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!

A bloke walks into the Central Glasgow Library and says to the very prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv eny buuks on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'F**k off, ye'll no bring it back!

The following is an actual advertisement in an Newfoundland Newspaper.

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Please see photo below .

Wait for it....

This is good....... (to be sure, to be sure)
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These are genuine excerpts from welfare forms. Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had s e x with a man I met that night. I do remember that the s e x was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had s e x with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fa rt.



Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support these dim wits!!!!!!!!!!!