Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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now thats a good one

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a b ell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses." "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He dosen't seem to be breathing,his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead! What should I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says," Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence. Then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,..........." Okay...now what?"

^ That is a good one

If Noah had been truly wise He would have swatted those 2 flies.

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostrate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. BUT, thank God, I still have my drivers license.

Being old is cool, because..........

Seniors are the biggest carrier of aids.
They carry band aids, rolaids, hearing aids....

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time." says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life." says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the neighbor. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life. And then you show up and drink the poison."

I WILL GO DOWN ON YOU AND MAKE YOU EXTREMELY HAPPY.
BUT ONLY LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU THINK IT IS GOING TO
GET BETTER

THEN I WILL COME BACK UP AND SCREW YOU LIKE NO OTHER!!

SINCERELY,

YOUR GAS PRICES

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation,"Someone in
this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the
Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not
intend to accept this."

"Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher
continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart
you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde
with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
”Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never
said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a
couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys
applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the
ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on
Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired!"

This is a "heads up" for any of your who may be regular Home Depot
customers. As you know I have been busy with my waterfall and now my front yard.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at
Home Depot. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite an
event.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the
scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to
your car as you are packing your shopping stuff into the trunk. They both
start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy tee-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No", and instead ask you
for a ride to another near by location. You agree and they get in the back
seat.


On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and starts having sex with you, while the other one
steals your wallet.





I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 8th, 10th, twice on the 15th, on the
17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming
weekend.