Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Redneck "time out."

She told me we couldn't afford
beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on makeup.

And I asked her how come I had to give
up my stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup to
look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

For those who live in the Northern half of the world:

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler



December 8
6:00 PM . It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife
And I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No
snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't
think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but
I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't inAlaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to
death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt
till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but
I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that
snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death
with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits
or me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles
an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the
Snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after
14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace
all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me
for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for
trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The
wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me.

Why am I tied to this funny bed?