Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A man becomes a widower. After the service the pall bearers are having a hard time manuvering the sizeable casket out of the Church. They bump into the walls and a cry for help comes from inside. "A miracle, Lovey is alive." After a brief hospital stay, Lovey is back home with her husband. A few months later, tragedy strikes , and Lovey dies again. During the second funerary recessional, Hubby is heard to say "Watch the wall there."

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At his own twenty-fifth wedding anneversary party, a man is observed with his head in his hands sobbing. His best friend asks, "This is such a happy occasion, what's wrong?"
The man looks up with hatred in his eyes, "Twenty-five years ago you talked me out of killing her.. today I would've been a free man."

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A man is called to the hospital as his wife has been in a horrible accident.
The doctor informs him that his wife is a vegetable, never to recover, she will need constant care, unable to do anything for herself.
The husband breaks down, hysterical.
The doctor says, "No, I'm just kidding, she's dead."

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A hillbilly couple are in their trailer watching Jerry Springer.
She says, "I'm gonna get me one of them there boob jobs."
He replies, "Why don't you just take a piece of toilet paper and wipe it between 'em a couple of times a day."
She snorts "That's not gonna make 'em any bigger."
He mutters, "It worked on your ass, didn't it?"

A Farmer buys his wife a toilet brush for her birthday.
A few days later he asks her how she likes it.
She replies, it's OK but I still prefer toilet paper.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little bastidge, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive."
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

(Sorry if this might offend your politics, Hillary is one of my useless NY State Senators with Chuck Shumer the other )

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death
in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

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Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in
the world was Chinese.

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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were
stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

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A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up
and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some
things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "That's amazing. I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?"
he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The
puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully
and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie,
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided
to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to
her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and
simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he
said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as
a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's
that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a d***ed
fine
sermon. D***ed good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity."

The man said, "I was so d***ed impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No sh**?"