Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A nurse walks into a bank... Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
"Well, that's great, just great... Some asshole's got my pen."


Dave

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.


MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"


HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.


There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

We've all heard about people having "guts" or "balls", but how many of us really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, a scenario defining each is listed below...


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the door by your angry wife who’s brandishing a broom , and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, sporting lipstick on your collar, smelling of perfume and beer, then slapping your angry wife on the butt and announcing:

"You're next."


I hope this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

I laughed my butt off on this one.............

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph replied; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

Bucks revenge

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes". She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets out a thundering
FART!!!!! At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there
is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50. The woman is
totally confused by this and asks,"Didn't you tell me it was on sale
for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck
Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."