Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to
see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work" The daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he
sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for
hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?"

Cold sholder & Hot toung

Subject: Pilot's complaints

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never
let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as
marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline
in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.


P: Balloon performs improperly when overfilled.
S: Do Not Overfill.

P: Radar looks like rabbits jumping over fence.
S: Shot rabbits, chopped down fence.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


And last, but not least:

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.