Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Vancouver. "The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."

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An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in
his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted
he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to
have your passport ready." The Canadian said, "The last time I was
here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Canadians always have
to show their passports on arrival in France!" The Canadian senior
gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help
liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-
old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex
appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to
his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very
first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the
trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're
amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry
you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies "What, did you tell her you
were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in Canada
with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

Q: What is better than Roses on the Piano?

A: Tulips on the organ.

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, be merry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.