Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Wife from hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I
Clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife And growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, 'Dam it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing
your Seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking.'

Good old Yogi - his wise words to live by :
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra
All pitchers are liars or crybabies.
Yogi Berra
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.
Yogi Berra
Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.
Yogi Berra
Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
Yogi Berra
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
Yogi Berra
He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.
Yogi Berra
How can you think and hit at the same time?
Yogi Berra
I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.
Yogi Berra
I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.
Yogi Berra
I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?
Yogi Berra
I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra
I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.
Yogi Berra
I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.
Yogi Berra
I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.
Yogi Berra
I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
Yogi Berra
If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em.
Yogi Berra
If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.
Yogi Berra
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Yogi Berra
If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
Yogi Berra
In baseball, you don't know nothing.
Yogi Berra
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
Yogi Berra
It ain't over till it's over.
Yogi Berra
It ain't the heat, it's the humility.
Yogi Berra
It gets late early out there.
Yogi Berra
It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.
Yogi Berra
It's like deja-vu, all over again.
Yogi Berra
It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it.
Yogi Berra
Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.
Yogi Berra
Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.
Yogi Berra
Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting.
Yogi Berra
So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
Yogi Berra
The future ain't what it used to be.
Yogi Berra
The only color I don't have is navy brown.
Yogi Berra
The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
Yogi Berra
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
Yogi Berra
There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.
Yogi Berra
We have deep depth.
Yogi Berra
We made too many wrong mistakes.
Yogi Berra
When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
Yogi Berra
You can observe a lot by just watching.
Yogi Berra
You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you.
Yogi Berra

CHP vs. USMC


Top this for a speeding ticket

Two California HighwayPatrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . Oneof the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.


"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, bsp; light-speed processing ....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.



The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"



The applause was resounding...

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just. just. .. . Excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laughed loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED
SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
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Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
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Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
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Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
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Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around and, when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
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Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was in a good Christian home turn against his own?
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Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
===========================

Dear Abby, My forty year old son ha s been paying a psychiatrist
$50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
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Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. =======================================

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
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Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?