Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead
if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.


And from the sky comes a booming voice......





"Shit, I missed."

FACTS TO PONDER:

FACT # 1

Physicians:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now think about FACT # 2:

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT # 3: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on

Lawyers

for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.
When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short
skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her
hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly
at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the
first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated
him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of
fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a
selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses
along his route, he was met with congratulations,
farewells, cards, and gifts.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door (which she
closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him
a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, " but
what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something
special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, " Sc**w him.......give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

You do know that there are only three blonde jokes? All the rest are true stories!