Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Nascar News
Raleigh, NC

Jeff Gordon announced last week that he was firing his entire pit crew. This
announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of a government sponsored
TARP funded project designed to train and employ unemployed LA gang members. The
decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed
youth from LA were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment; whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with
millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent
and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the
pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice
session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6
seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, and within 24
seconds had altered the VIN number, and within 2 minutes had sold and delivered the
car to Dale Ernhart, Jr., for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of
Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY ‚

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, single malt scotch, and martinis into urine.


Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."