Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
husband's birthday. She doesn't know which one to
get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing sunglasses.
"Excuse me, sir," She says. "Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"

"Ma'am," He says, "I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know from the sound it
makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination
and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

"That's amazing!" she says. "You can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens
her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50
please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get
$34.50?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he replies. "The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is another $3.50."

This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy,

can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddys are.

They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical

care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn. Is this a great country or what!

Exquisite British humor!!

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand..

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital
"How are you grandpa?" He asks
"Feeling fine" says the old man
What's the food like?
"Terrific, wonderful menus"
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The chocolate makes him sleep,
and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush...."

Bad, bad, badder