Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,


"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."

A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer. He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, however he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Newfie handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Newfie produced the title and everything checked out. The
loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and
parked it. Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said,
'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we c hecked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'


The Newfie replied: 'Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there
when I return?'

Ah, Newfies...... See! Salt Beef is good for the brain.

An Amish farmer riding through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:

"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben hinein geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have crapped in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

A man owned a small farm in Australia ...


The "Fair Work Australia Office" claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff
and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.


"Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday
and a case of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board.
She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.

'Then there's the half-wit.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of
whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Cleveland Browns. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Browns go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,




"I will never forgive you for making us move to Cleveland !!”

I have just been charged with murder,for killing a man with sandpaper...
To be honest,I only intended to rough him up a bit...
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After years of research,scientists have discovered what makes women happy... Nothing..

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Since the snow came,all the wife wants to do is look through the window..If it gets any worse,Ill have to let her in..
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Just had a water bill for $175..Thats a lot...Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month...time to change my supplier..
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A boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in a school play,and he will be playing the part of a man who has been married for 25 years..His father replies,Never mind son,maybe next year you will get a speaking part..