My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one, and asked Him to forgive me....

Marrying a woman for sex is like buying a tiger for transportation.

I used to have a big gay following... but I ducked down an alley and lost him.

I had a very close relationship with this other kid growing up; I was his imaginary friend.

So I'm in a bar, nursing a beer... and my nipple's getting all soggy....

I've learned about women the hard way (through books)

My mom gave me one of those cloth calenders for my kitchen; took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment....

My nephew's computer beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing!

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy....

I was married once. I had always wanted a beautiful, loving wife;
and she had always wanted to be a citizen....

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose (except band together)

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mister Baseball (because of the stitches in my face).

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous...
waiting for those adoption papers to clear....

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

I was born in Chicago. When I was 10, my parents moved to a suburb called
Downers Grove. When I was 12, I found them.

If someone strikes you, turn the other cheek! That way, the swelling comes out even.

Last summer I was in Provence shooting a documentary about a Frenchman with OCD who showers up to once a day....

I ran three miles today. Finally, I said, "Lady, keep your purse."

Last year I donated $ 10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not voluntarily....

So I'm in a bar, trying to undress this woman with my eyes... and I got my lashes caught in her zipper....

The Scots are the toughest guys in the world; they have drive-by head-buttings. (In Glasgow, a sweatband is considered a silencer.)

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited...placing bets...

I hate Indian givers. No, I take that back....

I'm in my fifties, but all day today I've felt like an 18 year old..... but, unfortunately, I didn't get one!

My wife said to me once, "I want to go on vacation, someplace I've never been".
I said, "Try the kitchen".

Man goes to a doctor. Doctor tells him he has six months to live. Man says he can't pay his bill. Doctor gave him another six months.

Television executives had to cancel plans for a new show "CSI Arkansas" when they discovered that all the DNA was the same..... and there were no dental records.

Finally, I'm a big Rodney Dangerfield fan........here are some of his:

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel .

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!