Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered . . .

'Is that one word or two?

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".

Originally Posted by MelloYello

A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".

Then the fight started.. hehehee

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit............



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This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."


.

When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?



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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?



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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?



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I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?



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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

LEARNING TO CUSS
A 6 year old and his 4 year old brother are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..

Originally Posted by rspears

LEARNING TO CUSS
A 6 year old and his 4 year old brother are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..

Heehehe...Love it..

That one had me chuckling too!

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose??
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Full!!

Originally Posted by Mudduck3

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose??
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Full!!

Booo, hisss!!!!!!

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to the sound of gun shots. People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.


I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning.

Paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers – btw: if you find one… what's your plan?

"A gun is kind of like a parachute…if you need one and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again"

INTERESTING STUFF


In the 1400's a law was set forth in England
that a man was allowed to beat his wife
with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

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Many years ago in Scotland , a
new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden'... and thus,
the word GOLF entered
into the English language.

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The first couple to
be shown in bed together
on prime time TV was
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly
than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller
print than women can;
women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was
originally green.

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It is impossible to
lick your elbow.

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The State with the
highest percentage of
people who walk to work:

Alaska

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The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)

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The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400

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The average number of people
airborne over the U.S.
in any given hour:

61,000

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Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper
in their hair.

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The first novel ever
written on a typewriter:
Tom Sawyer

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The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.

------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards
represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs - Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x
111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987, 654,321

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If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because
of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs
on the ground, the person died
of natural causes

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Only two people signed the
Declaration of Independence on July 4:
John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2,
but the last signature
wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live
within 50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers,
how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests,
fire escapes,
windshield wipers
and laser printers
have in common?


A. All were invented
by women.

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Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

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Q. Which day are
there more collect calls
than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

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In Shakespeare's time,
mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase...
'Goodnight , sleep tight'

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It was the accepted practice
in Babylon 4,000 years ago
that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and
because their calendar
was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month,
which we know today as
the honeymoon..

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In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts...
So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender
would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

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Many years ago in England ,
pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim, or handle,
of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle
to get some service.
'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase
inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read
this will try to lick their elbow!

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Don't delete this just because it looks weird.
Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...



1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.



2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.



4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.



5.Your reason for not staying in touch
with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.



6. You pull up in your own driveway and
use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.



7. Every commercial on television has
a web site at the bottom of the screen



8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60)
years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in the morning and
go on line before getting your coffee



11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.



13. Even worse, you know exactly to
whom you are going to forward this message.



14. You are too busy to notice
there was no #9 on this list.



15. You actually scrolled back up
to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list




~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~



NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.



Go lick your elbow!!!

Long read but still funny !

Guy Posts 'Yoga Mat For Sale' Ad On Craigslist. This Is Hilarious.