Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Have you been 'caught' doing any/some/all of these??

Here are the warning signs you're acting old. Perhaps you can stop yourself before it's too late.



1. You unabashedly discuss your bowels with friends.Talking constipation at lunch is no longer gross, but as normal as gossiping.

2. You find ways to insert the word "bunion" into conversations.

3. When the bill comes at a restaurant, you and
your friends itemize it to the last penny. "I just had water, but your seltzer
was $2.50."

4. You have long conversations about the weather and traffic. But ailments trump all, with no time limits.

5. You do 55 in the fast lane and wonder why you're being tailgated and flipped off.

6. You have a "stash" that contains vitamin supplements, analgesics and sunscreen.

7. You walk out of restaurants, bars and stores because the music's too loud.

8. If you try to understand today's music, you get the lyrics wrong and embarrass your kids when you sing them too loud.

9. You buy sensible shoes and loose fitting jeans.

10. A date out with your significant other becomes a trip to Golden Corral

So far, only #9 for me, but got close to #4 a while back

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means! His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth..

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you
mean. It's the same in my business."

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People just naturally want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you need to call a doctor!"


It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.


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