Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess, What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price.


.

Itchy bits:

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, the lady dwarf hears "snip, snip, snip, snip."

The doctor emerges from under her skirt. 'How's that?' he says 'Well, it's a lot better actually, but..... it's still there.'

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. "Snip, snip, snip, snip." Out he comes again.

'How's that?' he asks again more confident.

'That's wonderful! What did you do?'

'I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots.'

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.


He kept accurate records, and sadly any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.


Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.


Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.


Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but
this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City
Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell
Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (glad I don't live in Indonesia)

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and defloweryoung virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mothermust be in the room to witness the act

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?)

Well,.... Not as great as Guam

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet . .

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their arse.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam

Originally Posted by Kiwidreamer

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs........

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

And this from a KIWI!! Bad news sure travels, doesn't it?

Originally Posted by rspears

And this from a KIWI!! Bad news sure travels, doesn't it?

It's the same thing in every country, all look out for number one.

INTERESTING OBSERVATION ......


1) The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.

2) The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL.

3) The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY.

4) The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.

5) The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6) The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in the Government playing.....marbles!!!

Humor from the Brits.



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

+++

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

+++

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

+++

IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

+++

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

+++

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

+++

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. Prophets are going through the roof!!

+++

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

+++

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

+++

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

+++

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?
'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!