Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution – on time, on budget, and high quality.

Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day.

He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

“Oh, that,” the supervisor replied, “Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang.”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a burger and a beer. After his meal, he gets up, pulls out a Mac 10 and kills everyone in the bar except the bartender. As the bear heads for the door, the bartender exclaims, "Why did you do that?"
The bear simply replies, "I'm a panda, look it up."
The bartender pulls a dictionary out from under the bar, flips through some pages and reads:
"Panda: mammal - large black and white bear from Asia; eats shoots and leaves."

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do.

He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”

Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, 'When white man find land, natives running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Native man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

When my brother was in and a marine received a similar letter, email, or what ever.... They had a make a B*tch famous site. They'd post what ever pic (most of the time nude or close) of her on social media and tell her story.

Sad part of this.
It's all to true! 8-)

Thanks JB.

Herman is 85 years old and retired living in Queens. He gets a checkup with his long time friend and physician, Dr. Ruben Horowitz.

A week or so afterward Dr. Horowitz sees Herman strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.

The doctor stops him and asks, “Hermie, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”

Herman says, “Just following your orders, Dr. Horowitz. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful.”

The physician exclaims, “Hermie, that’s not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart’s got a murmur. Be careful.”

oldie but goody
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"











"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played “Amazing Grace,” the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

It’s impossible to explain puns to a kleptomaniac - - - they take things literally..............

The Population of this country is 310 million.

160 Million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing terrorists.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your backside, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
"Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in.
As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123.'"

In New Zealand we have a TV programme aired on a Thursday evening called ‘Police 10 7’ which follows some of the incredibly stupid antics that our police forces have to contend with.
A few weeks back two cops were called to a shopping mall where a drunken woman was making a right nuisance of herself. They got her in their car and decided to take her back to her own place to sober up.
As they were driving her there she turned to the one along side her and said: “I heard a very funny joke today. Shall I tell it to you?”
“Go ahead,” said the plod.
“Do you know what a Schitzu is?”
“Yep. It’s a bred of Chinese dog isn’t it?”
“Nah. It’s a zoo with no animals.”

A dyslexic woman was locked up for stealing lingerie from her employer.


People who knew her always thought she would end up behind bras.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the comer of his left eye.