16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its
full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you
can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is
age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that
we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is
not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention.
It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a
lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals
built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They
start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the
crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.

*****************
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.