Gotta toss a few in too...

Sign In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."


Squirrells are basically rats, but that fuzzy tail makes a heck of a difference.


You can't have everything, where would you put it? Steven Wright


Sign In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."


I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.


Sign Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."


After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.


Sign In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"


Sign Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."


I see the IQ test results were negative.


Sign On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."


When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year.


Sign At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the
right place."


Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."


Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"


No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning.


Sign In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?


Sign On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."


Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and
lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?


How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.


On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.


Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.


Sign at a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


In plumber's ad : "We repair what your husband fixed."


I may grow old, but I refuse to grow up.


Sign at a tire shop : "Invite us to your next blowout."


Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."


The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.


My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.


The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end
up at work.


I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I had to buy them again.


Isn't having a smoking section in a resturant kinda like having a peeing section in a pool ?


Why do we park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway ?


Then...keg, Now...EKG


New Country Doctor


A young doctor moved out to a small community to
replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor
suggested that the younger doctor accompany him
as he made his house calls so that the people of
the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger
doctor listened intently as the older doctor
and an older lady discussed the weather, their
grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his
patient how she had been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she
replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably
been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit.
Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh
fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked
how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis
so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger
doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain.
"You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the
floor in there. Well, when I bent over to pick it
up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana
peels in the trash can. That is probably what has
been making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor.
"Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"

"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder
physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an
elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing
the weather and grandchildren and the latest church
bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor
asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow
replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I
used to."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the
church," the
younger doctor suggested without even examining his
patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see
if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your
diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling
me how you came to that conclusion?"

"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you,
I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent
down to pick it up, I looked around and there was
the preacher hiding under the bed!"