Thread: Think before you speak.... too funny!

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Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls".


THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I r eplied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No" .
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,

so think before you speak!!!!!

7 KINDS OF SEX

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the
face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

A guy goes into the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and she says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says,"Do you know me?" To which she replies," I
think you are the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says," My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that
I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery ???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No I'm your son's math teacher."