Thread: I finally found a health practioner..........

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.............who makes sense. Here's how the session went;

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.




Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.




Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good




Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?




Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.




Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa Beans ... another vegetable!!
It's the best feel-good food around!




Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.




Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Yep. Eat right....Excercise......still die.

A good find...............

eventualy-_-_-.... your still gona still gona----die?

Bob. That doctors name wasn't Kevorkian was it?

No, it was Dupre!

Damn, I wouldl have sworn that was Doctor Demented.

Originally Posted by Bob Parmenter

No, it was Dupre!

Bob,

I'm not sure; but, I think I know how she paid for medical school.....

Originally Posted by mopar34

Damn, I wouldl have sworn that was Doctor Demented.

Wasn't he on KMET in Ca?

Pat

That was syndicated goofball radio host "Dr. Demento". Don't know what ever happened to him but I miss listening to his show. Always had those crazy songs you'd never hear anywhere else!

...........and, on a related note:


Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO (adult)



1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15. "Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

Don
that's not economy care, that's what we offer as premium service at the hospital!
Seriously, our medical patients have better coverage than most of our insured patients!
we have a police officer paying copayments on his premium of approximately 20% of the daily bill in the intensive care nursery. Right next to his kid, is a illegal alien, getting treated for three weeks, prematurity, free of charge.
National health care for nationals now!
Loved the above analogies!
We got bitched out last week for sending some moms home,since their rooms were needed by patients in labor. These moms get room and meals free as long as their kids are in our nursery, unless we run out of space for patients (rooms are spare patient rooms) and then we can't provide this service until our sensus dies down. So we had a baby boom and had to send all our rooming in moms home for 1 day. You would never believe the garbage they said to us. We were being prejedous for sending them home! We gave crappy care! The next day when the rooms opened up, the pretended we were great and that nothing was ever said!
It cracks me up, we are one of the only northern california hospitals to provide a free rooming in and meals service to moms, on an as availible room status, and these people are jumping down our necks for not giving them a free room and meals, because other patients actualy need them. All on welfare, by the way, not one of the insured patient's mom's compl ained, just the illegals, and unemployeed on welfare!
Give a man a free meals, and he'll line up for more, teach a man to fish and he'll laugh, wanting the free meal!

Some very good health care information Don and Bob!!!!! If McCain wins, maybe he'll bring over some of the Doc's he had at the Hanoi Hilton?????

Originally Posted by Dave Severson

Some very good health care information Don and Bob!!!!! If McCain wins, maybe he'll bring over some of the Doc's he had at the Hanoi Hilton?????

im thinkin that would be better than the one that gave hillary her sex change operation

Originally Posted by flh4speed

im thinkin that would be better than the one that gave hillary her sex change operation

Hilary and sex...... What a terrible combination of words....... Why do ya think Bill messes around??????