Thread: It's my time to take care of dad

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Mark.....kudos to you for stepping up. I know it is tough, from experience. My 86 year-old mother-in-law is suffering from Alzheimers. She is such a great person, and it hurts to see her failing like she is. Had to take her out her home to an assisted care center, so we could move in my father-in-law in to take care of him. He is 90 and can't walk without a walker, and usually needs a wheel chair. The "mom" can't remember anything for more than 3 minutes. Fortunately she can still remember things from years ago.

Life is tough. Glad you are there for them. You'll be paid back one day.

Couldn't read through all the replies, but it sounds like you are getting the moral support you were seeking.

I saw my grandfather get pretty bad before he finally checked out. He didn't have the 'big A' but his kidney failure would cause similar symptoms as waste would build up in his blood between dialasys.

Anyway, I didn't do the noble caretaker role. I lived in Ga and he in CA. But I would make the big drive when things got bad; usually once or twice a year. Kind of pissed me off, cause his daughter lived in CA and his son in ID, but I am making the trip clear from GA.. anyway...

one time his hernia went septic, and he ended up in a home, after a hospital stay. I flew down and got him out of that lunatic bin. They absolutely didn't understand that he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself, just was a bit weak from the septic hernia.

this I gotta say about choosing a care facility: visit there first. Stay at least three hours. This one had at least three raving lunatics, and I do mean screaming, raving lunatics. Not a good environment for anybody. Dimensia is not pretty folks. If Grandpa had stayed there ( and the rest of the family did want him to stay ) he wouldn't have lasted very long. But I 'busted him out' and he got to go back home and got better.

He had about another year, then the hernia got him. We rather suspected hospital incompetence, but we are talking about a very sick man, and his time was running out one way of the other.

Other than checking out a care facility thoroughly, about the only advice I have is : be strong.

Suck it up soldier.

God bless.

Mark, my heart goes out to you. I know what you are going through. I nursed my former wife through three years of cancer and watched her die in my arms. Not something I would wish on any one.
At present, my girlfriend’s mother, who is 91, a stroke victim and partially paralyzed, is residing in an extended care facility and not doing well. We drive 5 hours each way to visit her every weekend and it is truly heartbreaking to watch this once strong woman deteriorate. These facilities are so understaffed that the care is really not there for her but, unfortunately, there is no alternative. Her mind is still sharp and it is humiliating for her to be so physically helpless. It might be easier on her if she had Alzheimer’s because she wouldn’t know what is happening. She is terribly unhappy and it is taking a terrible toll on my partner.
The “Golden Years” can suck.

Originally Posted by 35WINDOW

Joe,

Your entry had me with tears in my eyes-you were/are a good Son-I can only hope mine are as good to me when it's time.

You should of been here while I tried to write it. It took me a long to do it because I sat here & cried for the most part. It was heart breaking to do, but I felt the need to share w/all of you.

And thanks for the complement, it means a lot to me..joe

What a wonderful group! My mom is 82, dying of lung cancer, and staying with my brother. We had to move her out of her 2-story house, as her right hip is bad. Our house is 2-story, so she is with my brother in a ranch. Easier for her to get around.Luckily, she is local so my wife and our children ( both adults) are able to visit her regularly. Lost dad 7 years ago, now this. There are some fine people here, very unselfish who appreciate their loved ones. I feel for those of you making the sacrifices, you will never regret it. Chris

It is kool that you and your wife are taking that big step. There will be trying times for both of you in the comming months and years. Just remember to talk to your wife about everything. Also if there are any support groups that you can get involved with in your area that would help. I hope that you two aren't the only ones to take care of him. Meaning that hopefully there are other siblings that can help out from time to time so that you two can get a break.
Good luck.

These stories are heart breaking. I had to step outside earlier today and take a breather. I get softer as I get older. Still a young 39 but none the less. My Mother-in-Law lost her both her parents within 5 years. They were both over 90. It was truely sad to see what dimensia and alzheimers can do to people. I was lucky enough that I wasn't very close to them. But, it was saddening to see every holiday and random visits. My Father-in-Law's Mom was awful. She had Alzheimers and it ravaged her. She was placed in a care facility, the family was unable to care for her needs and she was nasty to everyone. The good thing, she had no idea what she was doing. I used to get notification calls at 3:00 am from the care facility. Sure ruins a decent nights rest. I am hopeful that my parents will fare better, but something will get them. Not to sound morbid, but we all have a date of our calling, what ever it my be or hold for us. I only hope I will have some quality time with my parents like I have always dreamed of. As I live in Cali and they in Ohio. I haven't been blessed with them being in the same town. At least we are in the same country. Ha Ha! Good luck.

Keith...

Dave said; I wish I could have had more time with my Dad before he died..

Dave, I have that regret too. I spent nearly every day around my dad from birth until I was 19 and went away to school. I came home every weekend to see him and my mom, but then after I got a job, it dropped to every other weekend and then monthly. In my youth in the summers, my dad and I went fishing or crabbing nearly every weekend. They were great times, and I learned a lot from him. He developed lung cancer (long time smoker) and got really sick the summer of 69. He was hospitalized in July and the last thing we were discussing before he passed was the Apollo 11 moon launch. He felt they would do okay. My mom and I were with him when he passed on the 19th. They landed on the 20th, I always wondered if he knew how right he was.

My mom lived another 32 years without him, and I know that many of those days, especially the holidays, were extremely hard for her, but she was a tough old bird who had grown up through the Depression and she got thru them. I miss them both, but it won't be terribly long before I will see them again.

Originally Posted by mopar34

Dave, I have that regret too. I spent nearly every day around my dad from birth until I was 19 and went away to school. I came home every weekend to see him and my mom, but then after I got a job, it dropped to every other weekend and then monthly. In my youth in the summers, my dad and I went fishing or crabbing nearly every weekend. They were great times, and I learned a lot from him. He developed lung cancer (long time smoker) and got really sick the summer of 69. He was hospitalized in July and the last thing we were discussing before he passed was the Apollo 11 moon launch. He felt they would do okay. My mom and I were with him when he passed on the 19th. They landed on the 20th, I always wondered if he knew how right he was.

My mom lived another 32 years without him, and I know that many of those days, especially the holidays, were extremely hard for her, but she was a tough old bird who had grown up through the Depression and she got thru them. I miss them both, but it won't be terribly long before I will see them again.

Yup, seems we all get so busy with our own lives that we forget to spend time with the people who brought us into this world!!!! We did have some great times through the years, he was always involved with my racing, but after he died, it just seems that it was not enough time together.... To this day, I still occasionally catch myself wanting to pick up the phone and give him a call to tell him what's going on in the shop..........

My mother will be 87 this summer. She has lived in a "senior citizens apartment complex" for the last 15 years or so, since my dad passed away. I love my mother dearly--she is in my hometown, about 150 miles from where I live. I phone her once or twice a week to keep in touch, and make sure she is okay. I go to visit her every couple of months, and bring her down to my place for what we call "feast days"----Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etcetera. But there is a terrible nasty secret!!! If I bring her to my house to visit, after the first day or so, my mother begins to drive me totally BATSHIT!!! And whats even worse, I'm certain that I have the same effect on her! We love each other, but we both know that we drive each other a little crazy. Am I proud of this?? Of course not. Can I help it, rise above my rotten temperment and treat her like the sweet little old lady that she is?? Not a chance---I've been trying to for the last 25 years, with no success. When she gets too old and feeble to live in the apartment complex, she will move farther up the hill to the assisted care manor, where she will be looked after, and very well, by the staff and assistants untill she gets ready to die. Will I bring her here to live with me at the end?---No way. I can see it in the local newspaper now---90 year old woman beats 65 year old son to death with knitting needle!!!

Based on the title I wasn't sure I wanted to read this thread, but I'm glad I did, and I'm proud to know you guys. So much of what seems wrong in our society today is the lack of family unity and respect. I'm so glad to see so many of you still hold that notion as important.

Like so many of you, we're at that stage as well. My mother is 90, the MIL 87, we lost the FIL just over a year ago. Both these women are fiercely independent (must have been a genetic source for certain behaviors in our household ) and resist efforts at help, but they've come to accept that the clock is winding down for each of them. Mine still has a sharp mind, it's just her body giving out to cancer, strokes, and partial blindness. The MIL's body is holding up well even after the heart attack last summer, but she's in the early stages of Alzhiemer's, so each visit is an adventure of sorts. But they are ours, we are theirs, and we owe them all the love and attention we can share.

Mark this part of you life will be your most lasting memories . This is a care giving move you have made to care for your family. My wife is a Dementia nurse and so many place there family there to relieve the burden of care . I have only made the trip to her work less then 5 times in 10 yrs . It's painfull to see people in this state . She calls them her babies and comes home crying and in grief when someone passes , cherish your time . This is not a sacrifice but a choice you have made to care for loved ones .

I still go for coffee in the Alzheimers unit at the nursing home Jackie works at.... and I thoroughly enjoy it.... Even though the residents don't remember who you are they certainly appreciate the visit. There's usually 3 or 4 of us go up there every Monday morning. Alzheimers is such a terrible disease.... I know how I treasure all my memories....visiting with these folks once a week just serves as a reminder of how lucky I am!!!!!

hang in there and know one day you may need to lean on someone for help.when its all said and done you will know you done the right thing.thats something you will carry with you the rest of your life.my father sometimes gets on my nerves (and he doesnt live with me )but I charish every moment I can with him because I have a lot of friends that would give their left arm for a minutes with thier dads that have past on .

Dave wrote: I still go for coffee in the Alzheimers unit at the nursing home Jackie works at.... and I thoroughly enjoy it

A BIG hat's off to you Dave! What a wonderful thing to do!! That is nearly unheard of in these busy times, but reaching out for our fellow man, especially those who are ill or incapacitated is truly an unselfish act, and I am sure well rewarded, as well.

My 19 year old daughter who is a CNA and studying for her BS in Nursing, works in the county nursing home. She actually loves the work and being able to help those who can no longer help themselves. She sees the good and the bad of that life. She actually prefers working the Alzheimers unit.