Thread: man tazes self....toooooo funny

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Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Later

Way too funny. My son is a cop. While he was in training we got to go watch one day. They got a "volunteer" He had finished last in the running that day. Boy was about 6'4" 240 lbs. His teacher put him on some rubber mats and stepped back and shot him in the back with a taser gun. That boy dropped like a bag of wet sand. My son said he never finished last in the running again. I have a new respect for a taser. The cops need to use them more often.

Funny as HELL. When the tears stoped running from my eyes, I had to get my wife to read this. I know of an idiot that tried the same thing with pepper spray, he said, (before) this stuff ain't shit. Not quite as harsh as the tazer, but much of the same results. He has new respect for that little can.

This fits into the category of "Hold my beer and watch this!" I love it on those cop shows when some lowlife is fighting with the cops and they taze him........there, how bad are you now, Mr. Criminal?

Don

Originally Posted by Itoldyouso

This fits into the category of "Hold my beer and watch this!" I love it on those cop shows when some lowlife is fighting with the cops and they taze him........there, how bad are you now, Mr. Criminal?

Don

Don't want to jack this thread, but it's like........ What was the last thing a redneck said befor he died?..............Hey ya all Watch This............

Originally Posted by Itoldyouso

This fits into the category of "Hold my beer and watch this!" I love it on those cop shows when some lowlife is fighting with the cops and they taze him........there, how bad are you now, Mr. Criminal?

Don

Yeah,one of my favorite shows on tv has got to be COPS,on C&I channel..Saw a large biker type scrapping with the cops,and when he got the tazer,it was "OOWW,dont do that again...that hurts."...as the cops pick him up off the ground..Great little tool that...Its amazing the respect that little weapon has...

I actually know the author.

He is a member of an Outdoorsmen forum I belong to.

Approximately 6 years ago he contacted me about the effectiveness and legality of said device.

I advised him that at the time, it was illegal for a person in the private sector to possess in our State.
But as you can determine, he's a bit of a rugged individualist, not to mention slightly whacked!

He really is a Great Guy, albeit a never ending source of entertainment....

The original thread drew highest number of hits in the sites history and resurfaces at least annually.

Note:The seller of the Tazer (Larrys Pistol and Pawn) is fictious in order to protect the identity of the seller.